i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
