Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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