i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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