I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
