your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
