The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We got so high we made milksteak
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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