That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You made out with two different species that night
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
