I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
