Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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