Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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