I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
