Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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