Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
