Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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