god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
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