Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I need water and some morals
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