I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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