He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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