just tell him i said nine months
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
