This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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