I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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