You're so nebulous sometimes
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
