her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
