Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
