if i can run in heels then i can drive
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
