Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
