I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
