does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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