Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
