Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
