If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
