every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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