Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
