i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
