He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
