it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
