sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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