Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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