remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
