So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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