dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
