every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
