every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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