new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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