so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I AM VODKA MAN
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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