I think i peed on brittanys purse
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
