i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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