You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
