I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
