So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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